What Good Girls Need To Know To Get The Guy
We teach others how to love us by how we love ourselves
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As women, our parents taught us to be thoughtful, to put other people’s needs first, to be indirect with our wants and needs when growing up. Somehow life will work out for us, including our romantic life.
Then we realized that life does not work that way. Women who seem to be the most “bossy” get the best job and the best men. Women who expressed their feelings freely and asked for what she wants seem to get exactly that. Women who believe in their value expect others to see it too.
What I often see with my “nice girl” friends, is that they are in a perpetual “waiting” state. They’re hoping that through their niceness and self-sacrifice, somehow, men would come to see how awesome they are and fall in love with them. What happens instead is they are often stuck in a relationship that does not bring them joy, or with a man that linger, but never “makes the leap” to a real, committed relationship.
I once had a roommate who would sleep with men on first dates and claims that she “enjoys it,” until one late night, confided in me that what she craves for is a serious, committed relationship.
I have another friend that dated her boyfriend for a decade. The last time I met her was at a dinner party. To conceal her disappointment that the guy hasn’t proposed, she spoke of their long drawn out relationship as if it was her choice, to begin with, though it was clear to everyone at the table that she felt otherwise.
My story
I was also guilty of not standing up for myself. A decade and a half ago, when my ex-husband proposed, deep in my heart, I did not want to marry him, but I did not say no. I was afraid that my rejection would upset him, and it would mean the end of our relationship. So one thing led to another, and eventually, I married a man that I did not want to marry and ended up divorcing eight years later. My lack of courage to “speak my mind” shortchanged myself and shortchanged him too.
Why do women do these self-sabotaging things that ruin our chances for a happy, committed relationship and our sense of self-worth? I have come to see the problem as boiling down to one thing, which Stephen Chbosky called out brilliantly, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Until we can truly love and accept ourselves, we will not be able to raise our standards, and until we do, we will put up with too much, ask for too little, and live a diminished life less than what we desire.
“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.” ― Author-Poet Aberjhani
In retrospect, what made my separation and divorce so hard was that I assessed my value through my ex’s eyes. I did not have a strong sense of intrinsic value, and I did not know how to love or approve of myself. When my ex-husband retracted his adoration, I “lost myself” and my sense of self-worth. Shortly after he left, my therapist suggested that I should love myself more. When I inquired how she said, “You are lovable because you exist.”
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” ― Lucille Ball
Back then, this was complete mumble-jumble. It would mean that everyone is equally lovable and that we don’t need to do anything to be loved. Being raised by parents who doled out love in bite-sized chunks only when I did something “awesome” that they can show off — First place in school, getting into an ivy league school, getting high paying jobs — I had no idea what she meant, and how that made sense. I was afraid of disappointing people by setting boundaries or speaking my mind because my parents taught me that doing so means certain rejection and removal of love.
What makes us lovable?
Over the years, as I started to read more, learn from interactions with people and self reflect, I realized that love, whether that is the love of the self or another, is not earned but given. We can be ourselves, flaws, warts and all, and still be lovable. When I reflected on my favorite people and why they made my favorites list, it had absolutely nothing to do with how good they looked, what school they went to, or what jobs they had. What made me love them was who they are — their warmth, compassion, sense of humor, little quirks that make them uniquely them. Nothing they can do would tip the balance one way or the other.
Years ago, when I first started to dabble in mountain bike racing, I showed up at a racer training ride with a 10-year-old hardtail Trek bike that I bought off of eBay. The captain, sitting on his $10k plus bike, took one look at me, and through raised brows, snarled, “We go at race pace.” Only after I proved that I could more than keep up with the group that he warmed up to me, the whole incident struck me as absurd. This guy doesn’t know anything about me. Yet in this situation, for him, the only measure of significance is the quality of my bike and how fast I ride.
Then I used the same line of questioning for work. When I used to work at a large software company, our sales VP had a “Good Attrition” number she wanted to meet to win the District of the Year Award. To get this metric green, she would pick victims for the chopping board. When the word got out regarding who’s on her list, it is as if these chosen victims no longer existed — Teammates would back away from them physically as if running away from an infectious disease. Again, it struck me as cruel and odd that we used this single metric, being on the VP’s list, as a measure of someone’s value, when a person’s worth ought to be so much more.
As I continue to examine the question of lovability, I also thought of the people who loved me the most — My maternal grandmother, my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Weisent, and my dearest friends. I realized that none of these people loved me for my accomplishments or what I can do for them. They were often there with me when I was at my weakest, neediest, saddest, precisely when I had very little to give.
I didn’t know at the time, but my mulling over the question of lovability kicked off a series of introspection, and over time, I came to realize that my therapist was right. This realization has helped me be a better person for myself and others. As I can love myself more, the constant gnawing inner voice that says I am not good enough started to subside, and in its place came another that is supportive, self-reassuring, and accepting.
As I begin to love myself more (see my self-love practices), I also started to explore how to set healthy boundaries. Growing up, it was not safe to push back on my parents, and my subconscious, with its wounded inner child, stayed there, helpless and afraid. However, once I questioned the assumption that setting boundaries is unsafe, and woke up to the reality that I am a grown-up able to stand up for and protect myself, I was able to talk to my inner child and help her grow up.
Journey to self-love
Asserting oneself, like any other communication skill, takes practice, and I’ve certainly at times overdid it and came across as aggressive, and at other times, not enough and let people step over me. However, with concerted effort and constant self-reflection (“What did I do well? What could I do better next time?”), my ability to skillfully pushback improved. The more I stood up for myself, the more I trusted my ability to protect myself and be my own best friend, and the less trepidation I felt towards doing it.
So back to my girlfriends. My advice to them is to love themselves enough to be willing to set boundaries and enforce it with action, and to love oneself enough to be ok with the guy leaving if he so chooses. Ultimately, we have to stand by ourselves and to be our own best friend.
Shortly after my ex-husband left, a dear friend counseled that I should rejoice alone time, because “You are a lot of fun to be with!” Back then, I took it as something nice a friend would say to another friend, but over the years, I’ve come to realize the truth of it. Nowadays I could spend hours reading, journaling, playing the piano, or singing by myself, and be perfectly happy and content. Because I enjoy spending time with myself, it was natural and easy to raise the bar on what I will accept romantic partner-wise. Whoever comes into my life has to be awesome for me to prefer to spend time with him instead.
It took over five years, but it was soon after I made peace with the possibility that I will perhaps be single for the rest of my life, that I met the love of my life — a strong, virtuous and kind man that I respect and adore with all my heart.
Ultimately, we teach people how to treat us. When we are ready and willing to love and honor ourselves, we will have the right to ask the same from others, and that’s when the magic happens.
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